‘Coming out’ to friends shouldn’t be an obligation

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I’ve had friends, as I’m sure many have, who spend years struggling with how to tell their family and friends that they are gay or bisexual.

Those in our community and outside it who I’ve talked to feel they have an obligation and experience pressure to “come out of the closet” in some kind of public announcement.

So why do people want to know? Is there a real need to make an announcement to the public of one’s sexual orientation? I have yet to hear about someone coming out as straight; this is only done when someone’s orientation is put into question.

I think there’s a difference between someone hiding who they really are and someone who already lives as who they are without needing to make some kind of statement on social media or another platform about their sexual orientation. CC_COLUMN_GRAPHIC

We need to recognize that difference and respect those who are living honestly and openly as their true selves but choose not to make public declarations about their sexual orientation.

To me, it’s not fair for people who might not feel ready to have to define themselves to the world. Sexuality is, first off, a personal matter and secondly, what difference does it make to you? While it’s a part of who your friend is, that’s all it is- one part of them. There’s so much more for you to talk about to deepen your relationship before asking to see if they’re gay or not.

Even if your friend is ready to tell his/her family and close friends, he or she should not feel obligated to tell the rest of the world. For some people, it can take 14, 18 or sometimes more than 20 years to gain the confidence to tell loved ones.

Let’s not forget that sometimes when our friends tell their families this information, their families aren’t as receptive at first as one might hope. There is enough stress in his or her life, so no additional pressure should be on them.

It’s important to be open to a conversation if your friend wishes to share that personal information with you. But it’s not something that should be forced or pressured.

Caroline Rode can be reached at rode8318@stthomas.edu.