When I was little, my room was always a mess. My bed was never made and toys and books were randomly strewn around. Most of my clothes took up a permanent residence on the floor. My mom often said that my room looked like a tornado had run through it.

In my teenage years, my cleaning habits did not mature with me. Whenever we were running low on dishes, it was a safe bet that there were some dirty ones in my room. When friends came over for sleepovers, they were greeted with a semi-presentable space, as long as no one opened the closet.

Last semester, my first semester of college, my dorm was kept neat; mostly governed by the possible judgement of my random roommates. The first time I visited home, however, my suitcase exploded in the middle of the room minutes after my arrival, and was not tidied up until my departure.

This semester I moved back home due to COVID-19. One of my first days back, I cleaned out my closet, my drawers and my bookshelf. I vacuumed the carpet and dusted every exposed surface I could find.

But even with this, I could not shake the uneasy feeling that had followed me home.

So I organized my closet again, and again. Each drawer in my room now has a specific purpose. Each shelf holds a different category of book. Each wall decoration is centered and parallel to the floor.
Moving home, I felt a loss of control. My education and schedule changed abruptly. At the time, I didn’t know that the entire rest of my semester would be online, so I didn’t say goodbye to most of my friends at school. A few days after coming home, it became clear that I would also no longer be able to see my friends from home due to social distancing rules.

My mom’s yoga studio, a small business that she built from scratch, closed its doors indefinitely. The restaurant that I work at temporarily shut down and emptied its kitchen to employees in need of a meal. I’m thankful that my brother and dad still have the opportunity to work every day, but a part of me is nervous they will be exposed to the virus while doing essential work.

Now I make my bed every morning. I write a to-do list on a clean whiteboard and check it off as I move through my day. I keep my room clear, clean and controlled, because it is a space that I can control. I think, for now, that’s enough.

Annie Terry can be reached at terr2351@stthomas.edu.