“He’s cute, but he has terrible ratings, Carly.”

For an instant, I felt like a 96-year-old woman attempting to conceptualize the difference between bird tweets and human tweets or liking a picture and “liking” a picture. Apparently the look on my face was enough to indicate that I was completely clueless.

“Haven’t you heard of Lulu?” she asked. “That app where girls can rate guys?”

Of course I’ve rated a guy. He works for Sprint, and he replaces my iPhone every time I crack the screen. It’s the least I can do for a customer service rating.

This is a different kind of rating.  

Lulu is a mobile app where girls can rate and review the guys they’ve met, dated, even passed on campus anonymously. It was designed by women, for women. According to its website, Lulu is a “smart girl’s app” so when a guy attempts to login, a message pops up on the screen: “Dude, you’re a dude!”

The app requires its users to log in with a Facebook account, subsequently granting Lulu access to all of your male friends on Facebook. In an instant, you’re presented with a database of men … and everyone’s opinion of them. According to TechCrunch.com, at the current trajectory, Lulu believes that it could be on track to have one in four female undergraduates in the United States be users of the app by the end of the year.

The catch? Most “dudes” don’t even know that they’ve been added to a database, let alone rated and reviewed like living, breathing beauty products. They have no idea that they were deemed a #trustfundbaby or given a 6.7 rating by an ex-girlfriend because of their #EpicSmile.

Guys, if it’s any consolation, the Lulu website states that if you don’t want to be included in the database, you can remove yourself (directions not included) from the app, leaving only a memory of your 10.0 rating or a tarnished reputation in the hands of a few thousand girls. Here’s to hoping they forget what you looked like, right?

Rest assured there’s another viable option, as presented by lawyer and Lulu founder Alexandra Chong.

“Should a guy not do well in a particular category, then they can change their behavior.”

Yes, boys. Be less #ObsessedWithMom and we’ll rate you a bit higher. And if a #DudeCantCook, why don’t you take a few culinary lessons while you’re at it?

Chong said the app was created because she and her girlfriends “needed it.” Like a woman “needs” a new bag or new shoes.  

Or maybe what we really need is a reality check.

This is an app that was designed to generalize each and every one of us. It suggests that we all view men through the same, superficial lens. Lulu gives users a list of “best” and “worst” traits to choose from, as if we all want the same qualities in a mate. I guess #spark and #chemistry didn’t make the cut.

Adding insult to injury, the app expects us to believe that “smart girls’” need to be told who has #GreatHair, #StrongHands and #SweetThreads. What does “sweet threads” even mean? There’s no way to know why a girl likes a guy’s threads; for all we know, he might walk around in a Halloween costume year round. Lulu would need a few million subcategories for each hashtag to even begin describing a person.

Let’s not forget that Lulu’s reviews are anonymous so there’s no guarantee that a catty ex, friend or little sister isn’t behind the ratings.

Needless to say, I won’t be incorporating a database into my personal life. Nor will I be hashtagging the guys that I meet. I’m sure ratings will lead to a lot of things, but certainly not dating.

To the guys, Lulu had a typo. Its message to you should read: “Dude, you’re so lucky to be a dude!”

Carly Samuelson can be reached at samu5380@stthomas.edu.