Now that I have Facebook on my BlackBerry, I have constant entertainment. If I ever need a break from class or a distraction at work, I can easily pull up “The Book” and check on my friends, including my favorite part of the site: status updates.

Looking at pictures and posting on walls is great and all, but nothing gets me going more on FB than people’s status updates. Most of the time, what I read is mundane, but sometimes it makes me laugh. The most appalling updates, however, make me consider abandoning the site altogether.

But instead of doing something dramatic like that, which I would clearly have to update my status about, I decided to address these Facebook abominations here, hoping to cure the cause rather than treat the symptoms.

1. Tagging your “baby”

The ability to tag people in status updates and wall posts was overdue but necessary. If done correctly, tagging your friends in your status can be clever, embarrassing (for them, of course) and meaningful. However, not everyone uses tags so wisely. I’m talking to you, lovebirds.

If you’ve just had a great date with the love of your life, doesn’t he or she already know about it? Is tagging him or her in your status really necessary? The answer is no, it’s not. That’s what your Facebook inbox is for … or phone calls … or, God forbid, face-to-face conversation. Your friends should already know you’re happily in a relationship. Save me the trouble of cleaning the chunks off of my keyboard and keep sappy status updates to yourself, please.

2. Piling on drama

If you’re really upset about something or having a “rough” day, let’s be honest: You don’t want 800 of your least-closest friends to know about it, do you? No one likes a complainer. There’s no need to drag everyone else down with an obnoxious update. And since we’re being honest, is what just happened to you really that bad? People get speeding tickets every day. Lip balm can cheaply be replaced. Hangovers aren’t so bad once you acknowledge your drinking problem. Updating your status won’t solve anything.

Statuses that do a poor job at being subtle also fall into this category. Yeah, we see all those Paramore lyrics you like to post. We also see that it’s a poor attempt to stick it to an ex who wronged you in hopes that he or she will see how badly you’re hurting. If you really want to stick it to him or her, write a letter detailing how you’re totally over him or her and you don’t even think about your relationship anymore. And  then put it in his or her locker. I mean it worked in eighth grade, so it probably still works now.

3. Requesting some commendation

I’m happy you got the job. I’m glad you did well in your game. Don’t ruin that by trying to guilt me into congratulating you.

If I want to give you praise, I will do so on my own terms. There’s no need to make a special request for it. Plus, don’t you think my regards might mean a little more if I can make them on my own terms? How am I supposed to genuinely wish you luck or applaud your efforts if you ask me to before I even get the chance? Few things on the Internet can stir excitement like logging on to Facebook and seeing a notification. You owe it to yourself to preserve that experience, so don’t spoil all the fun by trying to make people say something when they might not want to. Thanks.

4. Stating the obvious

When finals begin May 18, I can guarantee St. Thomas students’ news feeds will be filled with statuses about how tough finals week is. Talk about aggravating. Everyone is in the same boat. We’ve all had finals before, and many of us will have more next year. Why do some people deem it necessary to comment on them? I could not care less about how many presentations, essays and tests you have left.

If you’re so busy, how do you have time to sit here and tell anyone who will listen that your world is so hard that you can’t handle it? In the time it takes you to figure out all the ways your life is so rough, you could probably publish your own self-help book and assist others who suffer similarly with life perpetually holding them down.

Statuses should be unique. They don’t have to be revolutionary, but there’s no need to go on about what everyone already realizes. Before hitting the “Share” button next time, try and not parrot your 20 friends who are also watching the Twins game tonight.

5. Stating the pointless

In all of this, I hope people don’t get the impression that I’m anti-status updates. I’m really not. Like I said before, they’re often quite entertaining. I just think some things are better left unsaid. With the statuses above, the reasoning seems pretty straightforward. But not all updates are so explicable. All too often I come across one that just reads as utterly pointless.

I don’t care that you’re at the gym. You’re going to bed? OK, good for you. Just get it over with and leave Facebook be. It’ll be there when you’re done. I really don’t need to know what you’re doing at every second of everyday. I like you; that’s why we’re Facebook friends. But unless you’re trying to create a community of stalkers, you might want to chill out a little bit.

I like Facebook just as much as the next person but please, for our sanity and yours, let’s strive to add a little significance to status updates. It just promotes a healthier atmosphere for us to do what we do best—creep.

Ben Katzner contributed to this report.

Grant Goerke can be reached at gdgoerke@stthomas.edu.